Today is one month since I lost my second son. One month. There is that saying that time heals everything, and eventually you “move on,” and live again.
This is partly true. I will never move on from his death, nor Cora’s death, or even the first miscarriage I had during my first pregnancy. No, you don’t move on, you move with. My love and grief for my lost children don’t stay at the train depot like a lost suitcase. Instead, they are carried with me during my journey back home. Eventually the baggage gets lighter, maybe offloading parts of it I won’t use anymore, but it is never gone. It is always there, a part of me that I will someday not look at as much.
The hard part about moving on is that the person who suffers the loss, tragedy, or trauma never can really reconcile what has happened, but slowly, the people, and the world around them, go back to their lives, leaving the sufferer to find a new normal.
It is tough, and I am doing my best right now to pick up the pieces. I had an epiphany in my kitchen the other day. I was looking out the window at the bird feeder I made for Tyr before he died and started to weep. I realized that part of my despair comes from trying to make sense out of something that will NEVER make sense. I know it sounds simple, but realizing that there was no answer or hidden secret that I could discover about why these things happened to me gave me a small sense of peace.
There is no reasoning with nature. These things really do just happen, and it sucks, but it is the next step in the grief process.
There are two choices. “Bug out,” as my sister would call it and fall down the dark rabbit hole, OR, put on my big girl panties and choose to live a joyous life. And that is what I intend to do. Despite the darkness, sadness and despair, there is still light amongst the trees, and my husband and son are wonderful reminders of this.
SO, I decided that I wanted to have a great Birthday. And I did. It was WONDERFUL. No, I didn’t win the lottery, and I didn’t lose that extra 15 lbs overnight (However, that would have been wonderful). But I did get to eat great food, shop guilt free with gift cards, and spend the day with people who make me feel special.
Did I think about Tyr and Cora? Yes.
Was my heart feeling heavy? Of course. I thought many times how I should be 20 weeks pregnant and buying cute maternity clothes, and instead I am stuck with my “in-between” wardrobe until my body remembers it’s not pregnant anymore.
But I was able to carry them with me through the day a little lighter and in a little safer place.
I will say that looking back on all the birthdays I have had, this one was one of the best. Because it really cannot get any better than eating pizza while sitting next to the two deepest loves of my life.
Thank you for reading. I will be very interested to see what next year’s birthday will be like.
*Birthday Celebration number two happened today! It was more a combined Birthday between my sister and myself. Hubby, Idan and I went to the Cheesecake Factory and spoiled ourselves with yummy food. Also we spent lots of time with family and with Idan’s cousins and had a BLAST!!* I am lucky to have an amazing life*
Idan at the moment:
The boy can run!! I am getting the best workout bouncing around my house, dodging corners, and jumping over toys. He is fast. My 32 year old feet cannot keep up, and scream bloody murder when they step on a Lego. Man those things hurt.
He is really tall. Like 88th Percentile tall. Where he got that, I have no idea. He will be the tallest Hobbit in the shire.
He still cuddles in my bed every morning, and I call him my Koala Baby. My soul hums in harmony every time he nestles under my neck.