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I don’t know why I feel guilty when I don’t blog as often as I would like. I don’t know why I need to apologize to the virtual world for not updating about my little corner of the world more frequently. I am not getting paid to do this, I am not receiving prestigious  accolades. I am just writing for myself, and to keep some kind of documentation of this time in my life for my son Idan. Maybe someday he will get a big kick out of reading what his life was like when he was a toddler, and how his crazy parents were maybe not that crazy after all.

So anyways, sorry virtual world for not writing this past month. And sorry future Idan for not being able to read more status updates of your sweet little 20 month old self.

My world has been busy. Changes and transitions are happening quickly in the Humphrey household. If there is one thing I am learning, pathetically slow, it is that the one thing you can rely on is change. And change is the one thing that has challenged me my entire life.

So here I am, bracing myself for another change in my life.

I got a full time teaching job in the fall.

The upcoming transition is very bittersweet for me. I have loved and struggled everyday being a SHARK (stay home and raise kids).  The reality of the situation is it’s time for me to go back to work. It was a gift from the universe that I was allowed to spend EVERY SINGLE DAY, and EVERY SINGLE  MOMENT for one year with the love of my life. The Humphreys have fallen into that category  of people that just can’t swing it on one salary. Who can now-a-days?  Indeed, the parents who can, are extremely lucky, and I am sure they are thankful for that. Because during this year that we have struggled for me to stay home, I have fully appreciated every moment that I could.

Also, this year off has given me a lot more clarity about myself, being a wife, mother, and teacher. A year ago I had no idea what the future year was going to bring me. I was worried and excited all at the same time.  I didn’t know that it would be immensely pleasurable cleaning dishes, or that experimenting with certain homemade cleaning products would be so fun. I didn’t know that I would feel lonely for adult interaction and that I seemed like a weirdo for talking to anyone older than 15 at the local Starbucks.  Eventually,  I learned to enjoy stillness and solitude.  I am tickled that I was the one that was able to witness Idan crawling for the first time, walking by himself, and discovering how fun it is to climb on any piece of furniture.

I learned that routines are essential, and that nap time is truly the best part of the day. I loved that Idan and I became symbiotic with each other’s emotions, and I knew instantly if he was hungry, sad, or bored. I learned that there is no friendship better than that of a mom and her child, and together we were adventurers. Him discovering the world and me reliving it. I enjoyed taking several coffee breaks throughout the day, not shoveling my lunch in a 20 min time frame, and I enjoyed the challenge of trying to hide vegetables in a variety of his favorite foods.

This past year being a SHARK has taught me that no matter what other job I do, being a mom is the least recognized, hardest, but most  soul -fulfilling role on the planet. I learned that there is no rule book on how to make it work, that you just do it.

I didn’t know that I was going to lose another baby and how despite my deep grief and suffering I have had to trudge on and continue to be a strong mom for my Idan. And that during the moments where I felt like I was going to fall apart in sadness, all I had to do was watch his small, little curls on the back of his head bob up and down while he ran through the house laughing. Thank you little man.

Right before my interview I found a set of unopened daily inspiration cards that were hidden in my bag. I decided to do a silent prayer and pull one out. I asked God to guide me to the one I was about to pull out and have that be the message my heart and mind needed to hear.

To be honest, I was questioning if I should go back to work or not. The idea of teaching again was highly exciting, but leaving my son wasn’t.

The quote on the card I pulled said, “God, Give Me Guts.”

I smiled when I read that, and nailed my interview. Because when I think about it, everything I have done this year,  I have needed guts to do. This was my message.

So, God, give me guts to hang up my shark fins and put my teacher shoes back on. Because the new challenge of fulltime working mommy to a toddler is about to begin.

I am happy to announce that I have accepted a full time Special Education position at a middle school in Greeley. Not a day will go by that I won’t be thinking of my Idan or my heaven kids, but I feel that my year of clarity has prepared me to step outside my hobbit hole once again. Thank you Universe for the time that was giving to me already with Idan, and the times with him that are still to come. It will be these memories that will carry me on my hard days when coffee won’t do the trick.

Thank you for reading.

I still plan on blogging…but now it will be the adventures of trying to work and raise a child. Oh boy.