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I cannot muster up the right words to adequately describe my feelings. So I am going to make this shortly written with some excerpts from one of my favorite books,  Wherever you are, my love will find you.

Tyr Jude Humphrey entered and left this world April 25th, 2014 at 9:00 A.M.  I was 16 weeks. He was loved, wanted, cherished and beautiful.

I’m struggling to write this because my fingers keep shaking on the keys and I am having to use my sleeve to wipe my eyes.

I am tragically heartbroken.

His name is more of a symbol and reminder of who he was. Several weeks back while my husband and I were on a walk talking about the sad news that was just  given to us about our baby, he looked at me and said he had a name for him.

“Tyr” he said.

Why that name I wondered. He then told me of the Norse story of Tyr who was courageous and honorable and had sacrificed his right arm, and because of this he was always remembered in glory.

One of our son’s defects was that he was missing his right arm. This name seemed fitting for us, because he will always be remembered in glory in our hearts and spirits.

I know in time the words will flow more freely. I will be able to open up more about him. I know there will be a time when I look back on this and not feel  a sharp sting, but a dull ache.

I know that when I look at Idan, I will often think about all the memories that will not be made with a new little brother, but mostly replaced with “what ifs.”

I know that when Idan plays in the sand, runs in the grass, falls to the ground and stares up at the clouds, his little brother will be there right next to him in spirit, instead of a broken body.

I know that this little soul was more loved in his 16 weeks than many people have in their entire lifetime, and I am happy that I could give him this small gift. My little one has known no suffering, sadness or pain, only my love and the beating of my heart to his.

I pray that he will come back to me in a body that can contain his heavenly  spirit, and if not, I have promised him that I will live my life with happiness, joy, compassion and humility, and know that when my time comes, he will be there to greet me, hand in hand with Cora, and I will wrap my arms around them and say “Hello, I am your mom, and I have loved you my whole life.”

To Tyr:

“I wanted you more than you will ever know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go.”

“You are my angel, my darling  my star….and my love will find you wherever you are.”

-Nancy Tillman