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There were many reasons why I wanted to write a blog. Partly I was in midst of a fairly large transition in my life and felt compelled to catalog it.  I had also read so many blogs when I was on bed rest and found a lot of comfort in connecting with other women enduring similar experiences. I  wanted to document my time as a SHARK (stay home and raise kids) because I know this is such a small oasis in my life’s plan. A blip on the motherly timeline.

My husband basically said I needed a hobby, and since I like to talk, and talk about my favorite subject, myself, this would be a great outlet for me.

And it is.

It has proven to be a great hobby, virtual diary, and platform to talk about myself as a mom and all the lessons I am learning.

It is also painful. These past entries have been painful to write. I have mixed emotions wrapped around how much I want to share about Baby T.

There is a part of me that is willing to share every gritty detail, judgment from others and all, and the other part that tells me there will be a time and place to fully tell his story.

So that is what I am going to do.  Wait until he tells me to talk about every beautiful aspect of him.

 

I won’t leave my family and friends hanging too much. There will for sure be updates to follow, but I want to save some of this time for just He and I, because it is sacred and small.

 

I will say that we went to the doctor’s last week, and things are getting worse. The fact of the matter is I am losing him, and his time with me is winding down. I am heartbroken.

 

The test results came back clearing him for any genetic or chromosomal abnormalities, and the doctors are kinda scratching their heads to what is wrong with him. We all thought FOR SURE something would come back. No.

 

Our main doctor feels he has what he thinks could be a diagnosis, but we will NEVER know for sure. He told us what he thinks Baby T has is 1:10,000, and is like being struck by lightning.

He’s only seen two other cases in his 20+ years as a high risk doctor.  He feels if we were to have any more children, it would not happen again.

 

But no one knows for sure.

 

Right now we are waiting for clarity on decisions we need to make for him and myself. No mother should ever have to feel the gut wrenching , soul crushing sadness that I feel right now. I am hoping for peace and comfort to be given to us as we endure this trip through Mordor and to the fires of Mt. Doom.

I read this quote in a book the other day that spoke to me.  I am usually not the type to write quotes all the time, because I feel that can be a bit tiresome for others to read, but this is special to me right now.

 

Shakespeare wrote:

 

“Give sorrow words. The Grief that does not speak whispers to the o’er fraught heart and bids it to break”

 

So that is what I am doing. I am giving sorrow my words.

 

Thank you for reading.