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The muse is not whispering today, and I am having a hard time putting my thoughts eloquently on paper. Or more like fake virtual paper.

Since finding out that Baby T has problems, my life has swirled into a tailspin. I’d like to think of myself as a healthy, stable person. I brush my teeth, shower, pay my taxes, do all the things a normal person does. But finding out that my second son will most likely not live, is causing a slow suicide for my soul.

When I write that out, I can’t help but think I sound ungrateful, which is not the case.  I am extremely grateful.  Idan is my reminder that life is good, and through the darkness there is always light.

I am unbelievably lucky to have my Idan and my husband. Most people know him as Brion, I call him by his middle name Joe, so for the sake of the blog, I will call him B.Joe

B.Joe and I celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary. What was special about this anniversary, was that the date was 4/14/14. Lot’s of fours. Made me think of how, at least right now, we are a family of four.

I can always count on B.Joe for making something as terrible as what we are going through easier with a little humor. He by no means is tactless or insensitive, he just copes with grief through humor, and I have grown to appreciate that in our marriage. We both agree that in our seven years of wedded bliss, we have gone through the fertility ringer, we have loved and lost two children, and most likely a third, and fought through fire to have Idan. And despite it all, we are having a blast being parents, and still loving and laughing together.

We decided to eat at Old Chicago’s for dinner. No wine, candles, or sexy glances. More like chomping on pizza, blowing my nose in a tomato sauce napkin, and taking turns entertaining Idan so we could each take a drink of our sodas.

On the way out from the restaurant B.Joe raised his eyebrows and said “what is that on your arm?!” Sure enough. Idan had what we Humphreys like to call a “Poo-Splosion” and it was everywhere! I went into mommy mode and stripped him down in the back of the car in the parking lot with the token frat-style college guys smoking and watching with no envy.

Seven minutes and fifteen wipes later, little naked man was refreshed and ready for home. We couldn’t help but break out laughing the whole time. Even now, with such sadness, we had a great anniversary.

That is true love folks.

We finally heard back from all the extensive testing about baby T.  All of it was inconclusive. Meaning, they do not know what is wrong. WTH?? When the genetic counselor called today I couldn’t help but sob to her on the phone. As a mom, you don’t want ANYTHING wrong with your child, but when there IS something wrong, you are desperate for an answer.  B.Joe and I are stunned. When you know there is an obvious issue, but there is not an “official” diagnosis, it is heartbreaking all over again.

The question that everyone wants answered in a tragedy is “WHY?”  And today, there was no answer. We meet with the doctor again this week to talk about all our options, and see if he has any theories on Baby T.

I am hoping to find the bottom of this rabbit hole, because the falling downwards is the most painful part.

Thank you family, friends, and readers from afar who may even care a little about my family. All of your thoughts and prayers are very comforting to us right now.

Until next time, thanks for reading.

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